Impatiently curious

Fucking Cigarettes

Mind is an invisible Organ

Is mind an invisible organ as inevitable as every visible organs or body parts in our body?

During school days , biology classes about Brain, made me believe it's something inside the brain....but always wondered why I feel emotional feelings close to heart.If nose is where we can smell and tongue is where we can feel the taste...if feelings are heart touching, mind is definitely nearby heart... Broken Heart really make sense through real feelings just around somewhere under the throat nearby heart and definitely not further beneath or above the neck...

If the feelings are close to heart, mind is definitely around there..Yes....Mind could be an invisible organ.   

Mind - brain relationship could be that the mind using the brain just like every organs do...

...Like an injured brain which cannot recognize smell and taste, a healthy brain  plays its role to work with mind.... invisible mind

draft

Since the day I had my passport, I started buying dresses online in a faint hope that some day I can wear them when any trip come along..from the instance they're online delivered, till a spot is found in my wardrobe, the package has to pass through a hide and seek game from my mom... I was worried that she may comment on my obsession for shopping or raise her voice complaining about overloading wardrobe.. finally the right time has come...and  Proudly I said, " See.now I don't have to rush .. already I've stocked my favorites...

Until my first overseas trip, travel destinations in my bucket list seem to be a far fetched dream for unknown reasons...Most specifically, how seriously I planned..the most unlikely they  turned out to happen... 

This was a sudden plan having no option other than to impatiently wait to get Singapore tourist visa...adding to the excitement was the flight journey I'm going to experience for the first time...I've no words to explain how happy I was..I think I was so crazily happy as it feels when falling in love for the first time..I started caring myself...started working out... I was never before this much careful while crossing the road... unusually praying before hoping on the colleague's two wheeler... going through a state of mind when  something much awaited and  unbelievable is happening.....

"How I would feel like walking through the streets of a different country"....I couldn't stop imagining...but made sure not to anticipate too much till I'm seated in the flight...being never been to flight before, what worrying was the procedures in the airport ... Thankfully, one of my best friends just had his first flight a few weeks before...and taught me everything A to Z from arrival to departure

Googled everything..budgeted expenses.... Booked many open tickets through klook and didn't forget to Google on do's and don't's and the point I still remember and stucked in my mind is about the ban on using chewing gums there ....Itinerary of five day plan is roughly done hoping everything would work as done...

.....to be continued.......

What dreams are made of

Dreams are interesting.... Not only day dreams that we most of us see wilfully when mind and eyes are awake 'n open to the outside world,   but the most intriguing is mysterious and breathtaking dreams which mostly surprise us when we wake up  on our morning bed...some are clear and colourful... sometimes vague and confusing... some are sweet 'n lovely and at times scary and embarassing ..... At the end we're always safe after a dream... such a virtual simulator

What else can beat a travelling Mind..I still have a vague memory of a dream in which I was in US ... sometimes, places dream take me to is quite strange..What are dreams ...what are these made of....it can easily make us believe through visuals and real feelings... Before learning to drive and  getting a driving license, I was already a wonderful driver in a dream...I could swim in the ocean ....Dreams are time travellers to take you to school bench writing exam in a hurry.list continues ...

A recent dream I had is an eye opener or a hint that either I'm becoming a mobile phone addict or else  I'm a super cool person unbothered or fearless  of my own death....I was unbelievably happy that day as I  couldn't stop thinking and laugh about this funny dream with my close friends ... Like usual dreams, venue or architecture of the place in the dream is a combination of dining room in my home, where I started walking and the bedroom here in Abudhabi where I reached..but had a corridor which is new to me or never seen before in real, but familiar to me in the dream....While walking out the dining room, suddenly I felt some kindof a light jerk or  unusual  fracture of a second absolutely not worth to be bothered. So...I continued walking to bedroom .... Passing through the corridor I saw a mirror hanging on the wall just after a corner...As usual or as any woman does, just peeked into see how good'n younger I look today...

..I cannot see myself in the mirror ....tried two more times.....I didn't see me ...I left there  taking it very lightly and cool as if I'm not interested to spare a second to think about it.I continued walking and somewhere at a point I was understanding that jerk I felt was a painless death I had and I can no longer see myself in mirror...I was still in a cool and calm composure .. "What if I had died ...I don't care...I can still walk and think...I got into my bed and reached my hands to mobile ............ .I'm sliding my phone attempting to unlock...but my mobile is not responding..oh my god...I was fine until that ...I was least bothered when I couldn't see myself in mirror..but now..I cannot use my phone and it was not as easy as not seeing in the mirror....until then I was cool and now while looking at my phone I started having concern about my  rest of my life as a soul..what should I do...what am I supposed to do...( A few days before I've read a comment under a youtube video where somebody had written that he had once met with a serious accident and  happened to have a dream that he was on death bed and his late mom and late grand mom visited.) I doubted if I had to wait for my dead relatives and friends to take me along....I was thinking...."where's my dad...where're my dead relatives....are they on the way or not ...damn I cannot use my mobile and I'm bored knowing not what to do...😂..

I see my brother walking around...when is everyone going to know that I've become a free soul .. I kept on thinking ....what could've happened before I could feel the pain..I remember I felt something unusual while I was walking from the dining room....I might've fallen or something would've hit my head.thinking on and on ...I looked at my phone helplessly..... Having nothing to do, I relaxed lying on bed and closed my eyes praying my favourite chants .....I fell into darkness and I woke up from the sleep to see 7 : 30 in the morning....

Some dreams are so funny that we can remember and laugh about it later..This is one of them.

At times a few dreams come up with a never ending suspense thriller that you want to go back to sleep but, you never see the next part...Some dreams get us teary eyes..some are scary ... embarassing ....

I remember I had a dream in my teenage which changed my mind to get over a crush and motivated me to move on.....Some memory of a dream is alive till the real moment of inertia which we experience for a few matter of seconds after sleep....some rare dreams could get me up from sleep in the midnight with an urge to write that down... I'm impressed on interesting thread got out of dream, only to miss a great script later since they're unwritten....

Another unforgettable dream almost happened in reality....In 2008, when I was pursuing my 5th semester of graduation and that time I was in Coimbatore....

It was night...I was in my hostel going to my bed.  Since I'm not so sleepy, just dialled a friend ..As usual my friend was not picking the call and I fell asleep into a dream in which I was walking alone in the road towards my home in the evening which was just getting darker...I got a phone call and I'm told that my friend lost life in a bike accident..that  shocking news churned my heart ...I was feeling lost and overwhelming grief broke me into tears...I woke up from the dream with teary eyes and the hard feelings I went through persisted a while .....It was 4 AM in the morning......I reached my hand to phone to give a call expecting that'd be picked so that I can share this nightmare...but I became hesitant and kept the phone aside...that's just a dream....why should I trouble someone in the midnight for a silly dream.. Also, I've managed myself a standard. I never believed in dreams....and...very particularly,at any sake, I never wanted anyone to think I even tend to believe such things...but the dream was so intense that I was really living that moment as if in a real life.So I definitely thought I'd share this when we meet..

Next day was a Monday..Class started at 9.I turned back to see last bench and nearby benches if my friend is present...It was not surprising to see this person is absent..He is such a truant...but my urge to share this bad dream ...made me impatiently waiting...

 At around 11.....Prof. Asok was taking his session on Aircraft Electrical System...Someone came in between with a slip and handed over to him ....He read out that we should pray for recovery as our classmate is now in ICU after an accident...I couldn't stay there for a second.....I was not grieving as in the dream.... but I was  damn unbelievably astonished that dream almost happened and regretted for not sharing my dream which would have done something otherway...Unlike my dream, fortunately, my friend was alive in ICU undergoing surgery after a serious head injury.. ...surgery was a success..He got his life back..It took almost 5 months to have him able to talk and  understand.... We went there to see once he is discharged to ward...and was  happy to see him smiling and talking... It was fun there with his humourous chit-chat and  his mom was equally cool and fun to talk with....Once he's allowed to use his mobile, One day I talked about my dream and he laughed it off as if I've cooked up this....I didn't struggle to convince, since I understand how unbelievable it is...I felt happy that when I said about my dream, my mom believed and another friend of mine atleast acted like she believed☺️

If he were there now, I would have shared this to read.....

I never liked my college days in Coimbatore...It was dull and dry just like the climate over there....from there, I started loving nature and Greenery...most importantly I started praising my mom's food....until then everything was taken for granted...

Since I disliked there, I even didn't keep in touch with any of my friends I had there....years passed by.....had wonderful college life in CUSAT ..got placement...and I landed on to my first job in Kotak Mahindra Bank..I was so crazily carried away by the best and first time of my life with no exams ...independence.... Earnings....food...fun.... travel...just days of happiness which made me so unsentimental and forget every friends in past...I was having lunch at my favourite restaurant 'Garlic Routes' located in  the heart of Calicut....I found an unread fb message...Opened to see that I received this some days before. It was a message sent by a college friend in Coimbatore that my friend committed suicide jumping off from a tall building in Dubai..I told the whole story of my dream with whom I was having lunch .......I remembered my Lt. friend saying how depressing was being bedridden having only to see rotating fan in the ceiling....that depression might have grown further even after physical recovery which would have taken his life after years...

Dreams are mysterious...Since I already had a dream almost come true...it was not wondering when I came to know Dr blogger got hitched to his college mate...I already had attended his marriage in my dream ...a sad story of a fan girl worth writing another story 🤣 but never do I !!! I had already given up the Idea of talking about unbelievable dreams....Not every dreams happen and good dreams are as interesting as buying Lottery tickets...It must be read more interesting since we can have dreams for free ...

I'm not a beach lover ...But in a dream I was thoroughly enjoying being around a beach..I clearly remember whom I had been with and I was so happy and comfortable ...That beach I've seen  in a midnight dream is yet to see in reality.....A beautiful long beach with blue water and  wide white sandshore .... lined groves of coconut trees aside...I woke up from the sleep with a happy vacation mood..A happy unhappened dream....

Embarassing nude dreams are quite common..Everyone gets such dream...Most panicking is when voice is lost ....I see theives and wake up struggling to scream...Dreams are weird enough to make a virgin pregnant...Most irritating is we cannot tell snake dreams to others... though snake bites you..or how scary dream be, you deserve no sympathy even for your worst disturbed sleep...you'll be made fun of dreaming snake! Fucked up Freudian analysis of Snake dreams...😂

Getting back to 'What dreams are made of' .....

This title 'What dreams are made of popped up in my mind when I was travelling in the bus drafting on this..I felt so familiar but couldn't remember exactly ...so soon once I reached infront my system, I googled "what dreams are made of".... yes...that was a forgotten favourite song of mine from the Lizzie McGuire Movie....

I'm sorry to pause here to listen that song....search...find and play..🎧.'🎶Hey now.. hey now ...have you ever seen such a beautiful night🎶 I could almost kiss the stars shining so bright... 🎧🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

to be continued.....

I ♥️ Midnight dreams ...

Everything predestined happens no matter dreamt or not...On looking back, Dreams have guided me to understand myself...pacified me ...and quite often carried on entertaining me when I'm resting in sleep ....In my second dream, I missed to write  how relieved I was after waking up realizing it was just a dream...In reality, I would have gone through a never ending hard feelings unlike in a short lived dream ...but, the dream caught my attention and  hard feelings were replaced by surprise out of stunning coincidence or magic of mind

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Dear Goddess of dreams,

I ♥️ Midnight dreams 

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"Bless me with sweet dreamssss"....

Sweet revenge

Love from parents....love for food ...self love...Comfort of having a well connected mobile phone with a single room and a good  bank balance...these are the only things which I found I'm obsessed and certain that I will never get bored of...

Since the time I could remember, there was always some kind of topics to annoy and mess up with my emotions....

My happiness was spell-bound thinking I achieved everything when I got my first job...I celebrated this as my first step of my life-long independence...By then, I was fed up hearing my mom saying " enough messing around...go and study"..Until then, I thought "Go and study"  is the most annoying three words since I hear this atleast once every day. I dreamt of an annoy- free life ahead so fun-filled and I looked at my mom as if I could shut her mouth so used to roll 'n play  " stop messing around go and study" ..I thought life has just a single level ranging between graduation to job securing..

Not only her ..some people are ever there around you.....to keep on saying.. askingggg reminding...warningggg.... about some thing or other.....human beings are so blessed.. 

I was too inexperienced to understand then, the fact that  people around you will always have something to annoy until you become a granny....and my dreamy fun-filled earning days are again disturbed by new set of words....."when are you getting married"....

To my surprise, it was so easy for mom to switch from "poyi padikk" to "kalyanam kayikk"....... And I was gradually understanding "go and study" was far far better and this time I took a moment and figured out every possible annoying topics I may come across at each level of my life on this earth 

Why do people around get too inquisitive to know about others personal life..!. each one here if a mallu is a celebrity in their own niche..and around me a lot of my loved and even unloved ones are  curious to know why am I not getting married...

I don't know if anyone would believe when I say that I never imagined myself as a bride until my late 20's...

The truth is only time I imagined myself to be a bride happened when I was around the premises of Ulun Danu Beratan temple...(I wonder how on this earth I happened to think about my marriage at that moment)...it was such a  beautiful place so perfectly adorned by a lovely day of soft and pleasant daylight after a nice drizzle....nature had set a heavenly filter on and was in her best...nature looked enticing as a teen flirting and flaunting  ....it was kinda good hair day of Beratan with some pretty  flowers, trees, clean green carpet grass adding to the mesmerizing combination of  clear lake, greenery and  sighting of misty mountains..each and every element around the temple architecture was flawless and  gracefully entrancing ....  feel good hormones were pumping  and continued charging positivity of inner spirit ... I was overwhelmed and had been melting with joy . Nature as a beautiful fairy  took this chance and started hypnotizing me to wake up my subconscious mind to reveal the treasure of secret wishes...As if under a spell, I started thinking which I had never  imagined  and the place where I was standing turned into my day dream land .. My mind slipped for a moment to visualise that I am marrying a guy in that beautiful place with misty backdrop of serene river and beautiful mountain......I asked myself how happy and excited I would be as a bride than being in a artificially over done auditorium stage, surrounded by a lot of guests and myself struggling with lips and cheeks to smile and act....that was one of the self enlightening moments of understanding my own subconscious mind....

Crazy fraternal twins of Mind , "Ms. Conscious " and Ms. Subconscious  started an interesting conversation on this...

"Destination weddings seem so interesting ..(those which I found when googled doesn't par with what's in my mind though)....

Conscious mind tried to be more practical and asked  subconscious mind,"You can still go to beautiful destination for pre-wedding shoot...reception... honeymoon....

but Subconscious mind had her own stand  .... "I want to be genuinely happy... excited...and comfortable on my special dayyyyy.... Even my marriage is something which I started thinking so lately.... pre-wedding and post-wedding are not even anywhere in the list of my mind.....

Come on...what's the purpose of a marriage function

Decades ago, there was no social networking.. internet connection...live streaming...and the marriages of that time needed the presence of every known person. My subconscious mind continued racking my brain to discover every possible points to convince a guests-free destination wedding 

My conscious mind took the side of how mom would think about this and came up with every possible answers she would  give to convince a marriage in a crowd... "You won't get enough blessings if  relatives and guests aren't invited to attend the wedding"...

Subconscious dude didn't give up and continued..what is that blessing which we get only if we could touch the feet….a real blessing is having loved ones who are happy about your happiness and they're always well wishers wherever they’re ….. no matter they’re invited or not… feet is touched or not….just shower real unconditional blessings....world has changed .... everyone can now virtually attend any event and can pour Kilobytes or megabytes of 4g speed blessings if they own a good heart....A wedding ceremony has to be a celebration of happiness of bride and groom…that's their day and their happiness have to be the happiness of others…I'm getting married only at the time I meet the one who either think as I do or smart enough to convince me so that I think like he does ....

To shut up the subconscious mind, the conscious one,  commented,"Get out of fantasy world".....

This is 2021... definition of fantasy world mean more unrealistic...and what I wish is so easily possible ... whatever..I'm not into a discussion or debate... subconscious mind gradually stopped arguing and started admitting... You're right....It's a fantasy to dream a man who give a wedding surprise of marriage in heaven ...... a real normal person gives just  birthday surprise.. anniversary surprise...list continues with every common boring not so surprising surprises....and irony is surprise is never a surprise when we demand a surprise😝

I'm so helpless... and you're right that I'm in a fantasy world....I can't stop fantasizing my dream wedding in the lap of mother nature ...in a beautiful place as Ulun Danu which exudes the real happiness within me with  charmingly calm, clean and green  ambience... Living that blessed moment by giving justice to all  the five senses. The cherished moment where five great elements of mother earth  in their best elegance and purity are witnessing this marriage 'drama'* in the place of  kith and kin..and let the dream wedding  be more dreamy and fantasy filled with  our final guest...secret lover of every woman....Full Moon....(most of them do not know they've same lover...such a big secret...don't ask  eachother how I know  😝)

Conscious mind interrupted.." Enough enough....You're trying to change my mind....stop being so clever... you're always secretive, rarely expressive and still hiding something...."

"Okay...This is it..."I wish this dream wedding can do a sweet revenge on everyone who have messed up our peace of mind very often in the name of marriage "...just get married without them and have real fun..." subconscious mind answered giving a smirking face😈

"Come on..did you just say 'revenge'..so this is what you're upto.. ...I knew you're such a  naughty inner devil ....easily fascinated and easily bored..."

Since the time I could remember, Im attending a lot of wedding ceremonies... I'm bored or find nothing interesting in usual way of marriages having a lot of guests around. Apart from that, no prospect could stir a positive intuition in me to think about my marriage...Being a bride in a usual kind of marriage seems as boring as wearing same cloths and obviously most unexciting so far..It is as simple as enjoy watching movies and not fond of acting in movies, so do I think of marriage.... Im happy for others getting married but I'm not into it. Covid also has a brighter side though a bad crap,being everyone's good excuse to cut short number of people.. Im good at acting like I do enjoy social gathering... and reality is I've eye and heart only for the yummy treat of Buffet...I love people but I don't like the physical presence of lot of people around me..... except in a cinema hall...The real me is more happy in a friend circle of less radius...

It is hard to digest the purpose of marriage pressure when we're on this over- populated human rich earth. I did notice, Human being is the only living being in animal kingdom who pressure other co-beings to find a partner and make a big deal and celebration for each one confirming their partner... Calling it a marriage and congratulating couple as if they're record winners ...my utmost respect to birds and animals for minding their own business...and not making a big deal of such a natural event....!!!!

(* drama is the right word for making it a big deal Human being is just one among the living beings in animal kingdom. Exception of being the most intelligent species is utilised throwing extravagance for a simple natural event ) ..

2017 New Year Promise note

Tick.....Tick.....Tick Mid night stroking to 2017 is anxiously watched to catch that unrewindable real moment with a selfie video turned on.
This idea broke up on a few hours ago and I came up with a lot of reasons why I should never miss a New Year video this time...And here it is... the first and foremost reason...I should not miss this moment when I'm living the status of Ms. Title...Which I think  would add on to my cherished memories in the long run.... when I get into the irreversible Mrs. Title.....And when I get old...Let my at present unborn grand kids/nieces/nephews enjoy watching their Granny's 2017 new year video in her late twenties recording her unguaranteed Ms. Title status which she thinks is the best period of her life....Let them know how hesitant was she to get married...And Her Ms. Title was her silent pride for no reason... Finding a strange happiness in striking off the Mrs. column in the application forms and wondering how long she could write that....
As there is no option to remain unmarried because of intolerable pressure from all sides, I started thinking that it would be lots of fun to marry someone who equally dislikes getting married..... I like being alone in my room...... Wandering mind is enjoying ....Coming up with unbelievable ideas...

Getting into my note of Promise..... 

This is scribbled to make a vow that never in my life I will advise anyone to get married...let them be my own kids, others kids...niece, nephews, friends....I don't want to be a parent who's begging, "please marry for us"....

Humans are fickle minded...But I wish I never change my mind......